Conan Introduces the 2006 Emmy Awards

“Good Evening, Ladies and Gentlemen and Leonid, I’m sorry to have to break it to the thousands of you here who are boxtoxed within an inch of your lives and scoping out the best looking runner to fill your seat when you go to the bathroom — but the Emmys have been cancelled on account of pure and utter stupidity.

Don’t get me wrong, the ceremony will still go on as scheduled, but it will be completely devoid of taste, tact and worst of all, merit. After all, Ellen Burstyn got nominated for fourteen seconds of screen time.  Fourteen seconds! My fluffer got more screen time than that in Edward Penishands Twelve: Edward Takes Flanhattan.

I mean, come on — Kevin James? Excuuuuuuuuuuuse me, but just showing up and making your marks doesn’t fulfill the requirements of artistic excellence — otherwise, we’d all have the statues on our mantelpieces — including Carrot Top.  And that would be wrong in oh, so many ways.

And helllllooooooo, you over-the-hill bastards — take some frickin’ viagra, will ya? Okay, take some more frickin’ viagra, will ya?!  ‘Cause, um, you like, TOTALLY blew the category of Outstanding Lead Actress in a Comedy.

Stockard Channing? Umm, guys, Out of Practice wasn’t about the repeal of the 22nd Amendment. And it got cancelled!

Lisa Kudrow? Come on, we all loved her as Phoebe Buffay — and nobody does squirm with the most deliciously pregnant of uncomfortably long pauses like she does, (umm, except for this audience right about now) but come on — The Comeback was too ironically named! Because it was cancelled!  I mean, before becoming a hit.

And then there’s Debra Messing. Poor, poor Debra Messing.  I remember you calling me last year when you missed Seder at Larry David’s house for no good reason — Okay, I understand, you couldn’t very well pass up a 20% discount on a Birkin Bag, but still — your performances this year on Will and Grace sounded exactly like when you blew off Larry David. And you were cancelled!  Okay, sure, you wanted the show to end last year, but why show up this year when you weren’t even interested in the show to begin with?  And why did you accept the nomination ANYway if you couldn’t be bothered to “show up?”  Oh, I mean “wake up.”

And poor Jane Kaczmarek — the Academy couldn’t be bothered to give her an Emmy when she actually deserved it several years ago for the flashback episode everybody keeps talking about (and who won that year? Hmph. Don’t know. Don’t care, Patricia Heaton. Either way, it wasn’t Lauren Graham.) So this year, they’re giving her the pity-{bleep)k award for selling the clothes off their backs for charities. A noble cause, yes, but not in the least a reason to give a person an Emmy for mere journeyman work.

And finally, we have poor Julia Louis-Dreyfus, just sitting there wondering, “Why am I here? My show is still running! Stop trying to kill it, you ass-kissing bastards!” I’m sure Marcia Cross, Emily VanCamp, Teri Hatcher and especially, Lauren Graham, who has not once been nominated for an Emmy, are all wondering the same thing. Why can’t the Emmys nominate the women — the actors — who did the actual outstanding work as Lead Actresses in their field of Comedy? It seems to me that nobody in the academy listened to Candace Bergen when she told them more than a decade ago to stop voting for her out of the very bad habit of liking her.  Instead, she called for them to (vote for Helen Hunt) seek out excellence wherever they find it on the dial, which I think Candace would agree with me should include looking at such places as the WB, UPN and their line-dancing mutant love-child, the CW.  And to basic cable operators like the Sci-Fi Channel, whose groundbreaking, unapologetically political Battlestar Galactica went totally unnoticed.  (“‘Time Magazine’s Best TV Show of the Year?’  Who cares?  We’re the Emmys!”)  A token nomination and win for Tony Shalhoub for Monk doesn’t solve anything. A token nomination and win for Michael Chiklis for The Shield doesn’t solve anything. The rules are still broken.  The nomination process is still broken and should not be acknowledged nor accepted for anything when they can foist the nomination of a fourteen-second performance on us and Lauren Graham has no statue.

Shame on you, Academy, shame on you. And if I win for Best Comedy/Variety series (which I won’t, because it’s Colbert’s year), I’d say Shame on you, again, Academy. Until you can figure out a way to give an Emmy to Lauren Graham, who’s continually in her prime as Lorelai Gilmore, quite probably the greatest female character ever created for television — and I mean that, you Buffy fans, so stop sharpening your stakes — then shame on you. 

Thank you and good night.” 

5 Responses to “Conan Introduces the 2006 Emmy Awards”

  1. Alicia Jo Says:

    Oh Rob! I’m so glad you got a blog.

    I still think Buffy is a best female characcter ever created for television but I do think Lauren Graham should of been nominated at least once over the years.

  2. John Says:

    Everwood was not a comedy, so Emily VanCamp (great as she is) did not do her great work in the field of comedy, although I am sure she could.

    LG deserves a nomination, but Lorelai is the greatest female character in the history of television? Hyperbole they name is Rob.

    And Rob, congratulations on your blog.

  3. hannibalsmith Says:

    I’m glad you speak your mind Rob, welcome to the blogosphere, finally!

  4. ShutUpRob Says:

    John, I hear what you’re saying about Emily VanCamp and would agree with it for seasons 2 and 3, but in seasons 1 and 4, Everwood was much more a dramedy like Gg. Amy in season 4 in particular is pretty much Rina’s audition for Rory and/or Lorelai. You made an excellent point. I couldn’t think of anyone more in dramedies that wasn’t already on HBO or Showtime (which I don’t have) but were still worth the namechecks. Thanks!

  5. Lola Says:

    Hello Rob,

    I totally agree with your Emmy slam. I really think whoever picked the nominees were not watching tv last season at all. But hey, there is always next year! Let’s keep our fingers and toes crossed.


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